Ransom Read online

  For the second time that day, tears come to my eyes. Wasn’t that pretty much what I had been afraid of that night I decided to give up? That there was no point? That the pain always won out in the end?

  “I wasn’t loving enough with you, Daisy. I know that. I think I was trying to protect both of us. But it was wrong.”

  “You did your best, Dad,” I say, my voice thick. “I had everything I needed.”

  “Yeah, you had a nice house and lots of things that money could buy. But you didn’t have a dad around. You were so starved for attention you had to find it in the family next door.”

  I shake my head, though he still isn’t looking at me. “It wasn’t like that, Dad. Daltrey and I were both sad because of our moms. That’s why we bonded the way we did. It wasn’t because anything was… lacking with you.”

  He finally turns to face me, and I’m shocked to see his eyes glistening with tears. “That’s nice of you to say, but I don’t believe you. You needed someone to talk to about your day. To hug you. To play games with you. And I was always at work.”

  I can’t really argue with that, so I look down at the sand.

  “After you… after your…” He swallows hard. “When you went to Horizons, I literally didn’t think I had the capacity to help you. I had failed your mother, and I had failed you. I was so scared, Daisy. You have no idea, the panic… I thought if you went there, those people could help you. And I could get you into school at ETU and make sure you had anything you needed. I had no idea that what you needed was the same thing you always had. Of course you went chasing off after those boys this summer. They always gave you what I couldn’t.”

  I have no idea what to say to that. Did I chase the Ransome boys because my father wasn’t affectionate? And if that’s true, should it change the way I view my relationship with Daltrey? Was it somehow not as real?

  “It’s a problem for me, Daisy, that when something goes wrong in your life, your response is to go to someone who isn’t me. That you would rather come here with some kid I barely know than let me help you.”

  “It’s not like that.” I dig my fingers into the sand. “I just… I couldn’t come home and be so close to where everything happened. It wasn’t about you at all.”

  “Then I should have been the one to help you find a safe place. Do you honestly think that I wouldn’t have taken time off work? That I wouldn’t have come to get you and take you away?”

  “I just… I just feel…”

  “You can say it, Daisy.”

  “I just feel like you would rather throw money at my problems than deal with me as a person.” I say it in a rush, feeling like a bitch the whole time. It’s a terrible thing to say to my father. But it’s also true.

  “Daisy…”

  “Like, when you were taking me to therapy, you couldn’t even look at me. And after my… suicide attempt, you were so eager to send me off to that hospital that was so far away. And for me to stay in Tennessee for school once I got out.”

  My dad puts his arms around me. “I love you more than anything else in the world. If something would have happened to you, if I hadn’t gotten there in time that night, my life would be over, Daisy. I would have nothing. I might not have reacted the right way—I know that—but all I could think about was getting you help. Making you safe.”

  I can tell from his voice that he’s crying, and the knowledge shocks me more than anything else I’ve heard today. My dad never cries.

  “I missed you. Every day that you were gone. I missed your voice and your face… and your…” His body shakes with sobs. “Your smile. I missed you. I still do.”

  “I’m sorry, Dad,” I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut. All the guilt I’ve been feeling for the past year is crashing over me, making it hard to breathe. Every bit of shame I’ve felt for the weakness of that night is piling up on my chest. “I’m so sorry you had to find me like that.”

  “It’s not your—”

  “It is my fault. I tried to call out to you right before I passed out.”

  “Daisy, I heard you. That’s why I came to the bathroom. Didn’t you know that?”

  I shake my head. “All I could think about was that you were going to find me, just like Mom, and I hated myself for it.”

  “Shh, sweetheart. I never blamed you. You were sick, Daisy. And going through terrible things. That’s not something to be ashamed of.”

  I pull back, wiping my face with my shirtsleeves and shaking my head. “Of course it is. I feel ashamed every day. All I could think about that night was how weak I was, how I was just like her. And I was right. I am weak—”

  “Stop it.” His voice is low, almost angry. “You are not weak. And neither was she. She was sick, Daisy. That’s all. I’ve spent half my life wondering why I couldn’t help her. And you know what? That’s gotten me nowhere. The only thing I got from blaming myself is a distance between myself and my daughter.” He meets my eyes. “I need to give up that guilt, Daisy, and so do you. You need to forgive yourself.”

  “But look at me, Dad.” I hold out my arms. “I still don’t have my shit together. Things got nuts, and what did I do? I ran. I ran and I hid.”

  He shrugs. “So that’s what you needed to do to deal with it in that moment. It doesn’t mean you’ll hide forever.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “You sound a lot like Dr. Jacobs.”

  He smiles a little. “I may have talked with her a few times this week.”

  I grin, the thought amusing me. “Did she give you pointers in talking to emotionally volatile teenagers?”

  “She gave me pointers in talking about emotional stuff,” he corrects. “Something I plan to continue to work on.”

  “Yeah?”

  He looks embarrassed, but nods. “I’m going to start seeing a doctor of my own. I think it’s time I start dealing with some things.”

  “Wow. I think that’s great, Dad.”

  We’re both quiet for what feels like a long time, staring out at the vastness of the lake. For the first time that I can remember, though, the silence isn’t awkward. It actually feels nice to sit here with him.

  “I meant what I said before. You told me the same thing, that night.” His voice sounds sad, the hopefulness of the last few minutes absent. “I should have told you about your mom a long time ago.”

  I swallow. I recalled that therapy session, the night he had finally told me, the night I tried to kill myself. I would never forget those words leaving his lips.

  “Your mother didn’t die in a car accident,” he’d said, his voice flat, unemotional. “She dealt with depression for many years and committed suicide when you were three.”

  I stared at him in horror, feeling as if the foundation of my entire world had been taken away. As he tried to explain all his reasons for keeping it from me, I sat in silence, my anger and pain growing.

  I finally screamed, “You’re a fucking coward, and you should have told me!”

  He and the therapist talked to me for a long while after that, but those were the last words I uttered to him before I woke up in the hospital the next day.

  “You told me I was a coward,” he says, shaking his head. “And you were right. I can tell myself that I was trying to protect you all I want, but the truth is, I was a coward. I didn’t want to take away the image you had of her.”

  I realize that my head is pounding, a surefire sign that I’ve been crying too much. I’m tired of crying, tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. I stand, brushing the sand from my jeans. “Let’s get out of here.”

  He looks up at me in surprise. “What?”

  “Let’s go somewhere. I don’t know, get lunch or something.” I shake my head. “I think we’ve covered enough heavy shit today, don’t you?”

  “Language, young lady.” But his lips are turning up at the corners. “Yeah, let’s go get cheeseburgers.”

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Daisy

  After stopping by the house to tell Levi where we’re g
oing and get my dad’s car, we drive into town. I see that Levi had a point—the place is pretty quaint, in a kitschy touristy sort of way. I’m momentarily worried about the heavy foot traffic, but I feel safe with my dad. Besides, I can’t hide in the woods forever. We find a diner fairly easily and order burgers and fries. My dad surprises me by ordering a milkshake. I wonder if Dr. Jacobs gave him tips on being more spontaneous, too.

  “I really think you need a plan, Daisy,” he tells me while we wait for our food. “I get you wanting to hide away for a while, but it’s been more than a week. What’s next?”

  I grab a napkin and start tearing at the edges. “I don’t know. I really don’t.”

  “School starts in a few weeks.” When I don’t respond, he leans forward. “Are you worried about going back? Dr. Jacobs said we would have to deal with the loss of your anonymity.”

  I can’t help but smile at his quoting my therapist. “I don’t know, Dad. Part of me is scared. People will probably know me now. I don’t know if I’ll deal with that very well. But…”

  “But what?”

  I chance a glance up at him. “It’s more than that. I don’t know if I really want to be in school at all.”

  “Daisy, we’ve talked about this. You can’t just hang out at home. You’re far too bright—”

  “I don’t mean sitting around at home. I’m not talking about my anxiety issues right now. I’m saying that even if I was a totally normal girl, I don’t know that I would want to be in school.”

  His eyes narrow. “What do you want to do?”

  I shrug. “I have no interest in business. I’m sorry. I just don’t. I was bored out of my head in half of my classes last semester.”

  I’m glad the waiter chooses that moment to appear with our food because I’m totally terrified of his reaction. He’s always wanted me to go into business, like him.

  He waits until we’ve both taken a few bites of our burgers before he speaks again. “So what do you want to do? Even if it’s not business, Daisy, you’ll be hard pressed to find a good job without a solid education.”

  “Do you know when I’m most happy?” I ask, staring at my fries so I don’t have to look at him. “I’m most happy when I’m working with the band. I love it. I love being a part of a team like that. I love the travel. I love interacting with the fans, which you know is really saying something considering my recent history.” I set down my burger. “By the end there, I was helping out a lot with all kinds of things. Their photo shoots. Their rehearsals. They asked for my advice on lots of stuff. And I was good at it. I think I made them better.”

  When he doesn’t respond for several minutes, I finally look up. He has a strange look on his face.

  “Well, that’s what you should do then.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “You should work in the music industry.”

  I wouldn’t have been more shocked if he told me he thought I should become a professional juggler. “Are you serious?”

  “Daisy, did you just hear yourself? You said working on the tour was a time when you were most happy. You were happy. That’s the only thing I have ever wanted for you.” He smiles ruefully. “I mean, I’m not going to pretend I don’t think a background in business will provide for you best. But after everything we’ve been through, you telling me that you’re happy is the only thing I want to hear.” He reaches across the table and brushes his fingertips across my hand. “The only thing I want to hear.”

  “Wow.” I shake my head. “You’re full of surprises today.”

  He rolls his eyes and goes back to his burger. “So,” he says after he finishes chewing. “Does that mean you’re going to go back on tour?”

  The very thought sends a shot of panic through me. “I don’t know. Everything is different now. They’re so high profile. There are always crowds and press around them. How am I supposed to deal with that?”

  “The same way you deal with anything else. You make a plan. You talk to Daltrey and to me and to Dr. Jacobs, and together, we figure out solutions to whatever issues come up.”

  I stare at him. “You make it sound easy.”

  “I’m sure it won’t be easy. But if it’s what you want to do, you’ll figure it out.” He eyes me over his burger. “Because really, Daisy, what’s the alternative? If working in music makes you happy, you need to figure out a way to make it work. You say you’re good at it, so start there. You can make a contribution to this band. So what’s the next thing you need to tackle?”

  For so long, I’ve thought of my life in terms of what I can’t do. I can’t be around people. I can’t let strangers look at me. I can’t get through a stressful situation without a panic attack. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Why don’t I ever start with what I can do and go from there?

  We finish our lunch then stroll out to my dad’s car.

  “What are you going to do?” he asks. “Do you want to come back with me now?”

  I shake my head. “I think I need to work a few things out first.”

  “Okay.” He holds open the car door for me, waiting while I climb in. “I’m going to stay in town for a few days. Get a hotel here.”

  “You don’t need to do that, Dad.”

  “I know. But I’m not quite ready to be far away from you yet.”

  He shuts the door and heads around the car to his side. I realize that I’m smiling. I don’t think that I’m quite ready to be far away from him yet, either.

  ***

  Levi is still sitting on the back deck when I get to the cabin. He switched from coffee to beer at some point while I was gone. He barely looks up when I join him at the wicker table.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey,” he says, nodding in my direction. “How’s your dad?”

  “He’s okay. Actually, I think we’re okay.” It still feels strange to think of our relationship as something that can be described as okay, but I do think we’re going to get there.

  “I’m glad.” Levi’s attention seems to be set pretty firmly on the lake, and I wonder if he’s looking for privacy. Just as I’m about to excuse myself to go up to my room, he clears his throat. “So, I screwed that up pretty bad, huh?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Earlier today. I think I let the cat out of the bag a bit sooner than I intended.”

  I have no idea what he’s talking about. “Levi—”

  “I’m crazy about you, Daisy.” He still doesn’t look at me, and it takes a minute for his words to sink in. “Always have been.”

  My face immediately feels warm. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t that.

  He finally turns to look at me, a small smile playing around his lips. “Oh, come on. You can’t be that surprised. I thought it was painfully obvious.”

  “Levi, are you saying that you… uh, like me?”

  He laughs, shaking his head. “Oh, Daisy. What is this, junior high? Okay, yes, I like you. In fact, I like you like you.”

  In spite of my surprise at the inherent awkwardness of the situation, he still brings a smile to my face with the Levi-ness of his response. “I guess that did sound pretty silly. I just… I’m surprised. I had no idea you had… feelings for me.”

  He lets out a frustrated sound. “Yeah. I did a pretty good job of covering it up when we were in school. I thought Daltrey had some claim on you.” He shakes his head, looking bitter. “Stupid of me. If I had any idea he was going to run off and leave you on your own—”

  “That’s not what happened,” I say, the need to defend Daltrey automatic. “He had to go. It was the chance of a lifetime.” His face still looks hard. “Come on, Levi. You know that better than anyone.”

  “What about this time, though? Once again, he put his feelings, his needs, first and left you on your own.”

  I have no idea how to argue with him. I do wish Dalt had never left me in that room in New York. But I also don’t believe for a minute that his motives were selfish. The bigger problem, thoug
h, is the pure anger I see on Levi’s face while he talks about Daltrey. “Levi, Daltrey is one of your best friends. I don’t want you to be mad at him, especially not over me.”

  He shakes his head. “That’s the really annoying thing. I’m mad at him, but I still get it. I wish I could have done it. The truth is, no matter what stupid thing he does, I always seem to forgive him. Taking you for granted way back in high school. Being a pissy brat on tour. Leaving everyone else to deal with the consequences of his actions.” He nods toward me, looking very sad. “Getting the girl.” His eyes meet mine. “Even that, I’ll end up forgiving in the end. It’s just how it goes. Daltrey gets all the things he wants and good old Levi is there in the background whenever he needs me.”

  I grab his hand. “It doesn’t have to be like that, Levi. It shouldn’t be.”

  “Yeah? Well, I told you I had feelings for you about ten minutes ago, and you still haven’t responded. So I’m pretty sure my assessment of myself as the background boy is well founded.”

  I release his hand, feeling terrible. “I’m in love with Daltrey. I’m sorry, Levi.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Really, Daisy, there’s nothing to be sorry for. I knew you loved him years ago.”

  Tears come to my eyes. “But I am sorry. I don’t want you to feel bad. You deserve better.”

  “And what about you, Daisy? You think you don’t deserve better?” He picks up his beer with a shaking hand and takes a long gulp. He sets the bottle down on the table, hard. “What are you going to do now? Go back on tour? Follow him around? Spend every day wondering if he’ll take off again?”

  I shake my head, overwhelmed. “It’s not like that.”